The Next Wave of Freefall?

So when the economic downturn hit, I said, "I'm not participating." I didn't want to be a part of that energy or a part of that self-fulfilling panic. And I had the savings to make it stick, honestly.

Well, now I am seeing with a little more distance. I have friends who were hit hard by the change of economic fortune winds. Friends who lost jobs or couldn't go anywhere in their companies, not even lateral transitions. Friends who did a little here and there, including working for parents who could still finagle payment, actively searching with their professional job skills and resumes, who spent months doing the best they could financially and wracking up debt while they tried to get their life back on a steady financial course. These were friends with impressive resumes, some with resumes of decades of impressive contract work, who struggled.

Now, it seems as if the friends who struggled the most got tossed a lifeline. Some are back to work. Others found the promotions or changes of scene that they really needed. I am very very happy for them. They went through a lot, and it was absolutely time or past time for something to happen for them.

Problem is, I am feeling like the next wave, and I am not alone. I am among those who were able to stave off problems. Well, now my cushion is depleted and my needs are increasing. I have been able to ride out the last couple of years, no big deal. Now, I need the economy to be functioning with opportunity and jobs. My mind is impressively trained, but my resume is all over the place. I have never had a professional position, nor am I sure that being "professional" would be the best venue for my skill set. In continuing to pursue lucrative self-employment (I decided today to call my employment status Ungainfully Self-Employed), I need potential new clients to have the cash in their budgets to pay me.

And in talking with others, I am not alone in having run out of safety net. I am not in freefall yet, but there seems to be an awful lot of yawning asphalt far beneath my balancing act. We shall see how it all comes out, but I have friends who have gone from paying down the principle on the mortgage to applying for food stamps, and friends who paid every bill on time every time who have declared bankruptcy. I have a fabulous support network and skills at manifesting, so I am affirming that everything will fall into place nicely. I am just getting quite nervous in the meantime.

And Now For Some Blind Panic

So, obviously, I took a week off from blogging. Sorry about that, but my head just does not seem attached. Early last week I took off for the woods of East TN to try to get my head back on, and it lessened the panic somewhat, but I am still in a place of deep inward focus with strong internal pressure to get everything external figured out NOW. And I've been watching a lot of Eureka, the tv show. It makes me laugh, so it helps.

Ever read Harry Potter? In the last book, they have to figure out something impossible and keep repeating to themselves, over and over, what they have to find. That's my head: a home, a job, a car, maybe another car, a midwife.... I haunt Craigslist, wrack my brain for doable steps to the monumental, and begrudge myself down time like naps and reading books. In other words, still panicking.

On the flip side, I am so very happy. My partner and I both are. We look at each other every so often, smile real big and say, "Babies!" Belly rubs are crucial. I don't claim that any of it actually makes sense.

In a general progress kind of way, last night I emailed a resume to a Craigslist employer who wants exactly what I have to offer. And tomorrow I have a meeting with a potential housing lead. We'll see if something comes out of those. I am affirming ease of transition and manifesting plenty of divine appointments, perfect timing, and clear opportunities. I have written my spells for housing, cashflow abundance, overall family abundance, and the pregnancy and birth. It is good.

I much prefer being able to make sense of things (this is Philosofishing, after all), and this not making anything make sense due to emotional turbulence of happy-induced blind panic is disconcerting. Very disconcerting. But I will continue to trust my navigational instruments through the storm and hope the horizon reappears to my sightline soon.

Holding Hope with an Open Hand

Well, we're not pregnant this go around, so we have collapsed the probability wave of Shrodinger Pregnancy 1.0. Can't say the redo is any great hardship (that much pleasure is great for stress relief!), though the story of conceiving right away was quite tidy and appealing. However, we have had a magical "Perfect Timing" on the whole kids thing for years now, and just because the story would have been tidy does not mean it was perfect timing. Ego makes way for spirit, and that is the way I prefer it, honestly.

I am a little surprised how quickly the disappointment wore off. Yes, it was keenly felt for a few hours, but come morning life just seemed to go on. I feel calmer now that I have a longer perspective on this. I also now understand the cultural norm of keeping pregnancy tries private until everyone is "sure" it took. It is just too difficult to have that many hopeful conversations and then have to give disappointing news. I have never been all that great at keeping my trap shut, though, so we will see exactly how private I manage to stay. I am blogging about it, after all.

It can also be fitting that we conceive after the fertility ritual of the flinging of birdseed at the feast, too. A symbol of community support for our family is highly appropriate. But this time I will hold my attachment to an immediate conception after birdseed flinging loosely, in an open hand, so that it will not be so hard to let go of it if that is divine will. There is, of course, also the issue of the astrological sign of our offspring, and I cannot know nor truly predict what that should be (even if I do amuse myself with calculating sun signs speculatively). Again, Perfect Timing is invoked, and I will trust my spellwork to be effective.