I am often amazed how it is when we let go of things that we get them. I saw this in high school with lovers. There were people then that I had huge crushes on. Several times, I gave up on my crush of months, moved on, forgot, and then a year or so later, they would fall into my lap with the perfect timing, perfect situation, and I would have what I had longed for so many months before.
My former housemate, apparently, has a variation on the theme. In her life, she will work for something, strive to manifest it, be frustrated, get stubborn, and then finally leave for greener pastures. Right after she leaves, it comes to fruition without her. Perhaps it is her Aries nature. Perhaps, to make a fully astrological metaphor, she has to leave the Piscean imminent completion of a cycle to go butt heads with a new beginning because she is Aries.
Either way, I don't know. But I do know that she and I were the ideologues behind this living in community thing and she was always so frustrated that we were not, well, communal enough to satisfy her longings. Now that she has left for pagan communities in the Smokies, I find myself wrapped in community. I often spend hours a day talking with my housemates and the vast majority of my socializing is at the house. We share meals sometimes and talk about philosophy and magic and sex. We now share wine together, have even designated a communal wine cabinet (the box stuff really isn't all bad).
My former housemate, the one who wanted this and left, still comes back some weeks and is glad to be here for a couple days. She has moved on to other things she really wanted. At the same time, I wonder a bit about what would happen if I did let go of my yearnings, what might come. It seems sometimes that Time does pry them from between my fingers, little by little, as they grow well-worn.
Showing posts with label community household. Show all posts
Showing posts with label community household. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
On the Collective
A friend's recent blog post (linked by permission, be advised the blog deals with BDSM and is NSFW), included the belief statement, "I do not believe that anything has ever been achieved or maintained by consensus." I disagree.
First of all, I want to say that I respect his opinion and belief on this. He absolutely lives his beliefs, and his personal responsibility is the very relevant result of not believing in the value of consensus. He is the head of his House, and as far as I can tell, he is good at being a Patriarch and he truly values being good at it. I understand some of where he is coming from in his perspective, life experience, training, etc. and firmly support his right to have his beliefs and live his chosen lifestyle.
That said, I think his statement would be more accurate to say, "I do not believe anything I value has ever been achieved or maintained by consensus." I personally have been a part of multiple projects and creations that were both achieved and maintained by consensus. A short list:
1. The three plays (series of monologues) about gender that were co-created by a partner and myself with significant content co-creation from the cast. My creative partner and I were absolutely working on consensus with each other AND able to incorporate input from the cast.
2. My Dark Moon Circle, which has been meeting for going on three years now. We co-create our rituals based on consensus, and furthermore, we have effectively and informally divvied up various roles based on talent and availability, since some of us have more demanding professional and family lives than others.
3. My community household, which has been bumping along for almost four years now. I cannot pretend it has been smooth going, but that has been because we HAVE been working on consensus and we typically have very opinionated and independently-minded individuals in the community. It takes a good bit of maintenance, but it has been worthwhile and valuable to me and others.
My friend, however, does not tend to choose these kinds of projects because he does not share in these values. He values hierarchy and being the one in charge (or at least having the most competent person) at the top of the hierarchy, and so his belief system necessarily negates the value of creating by consensus.
I believe he has full rights to believe that hierarchy is better than consensus (especially since hierarchy necessarily implies better-than judgments), but that does not mean that consensus never gets anything done. It just doesn't get anything done that he personally values, thinks is of value, or chooses to participate in. Just because he chooses to opt out of consensus processes does not mean that they are ineffective for everyone and for all projects.
First of all, I want to say that I respect his opinion and belief on this. He absolutely lives his beliefs, and his personal responsibility is the very relevant result of not believing in the value of consensus. He is the head of his House, and as far as I can tell, he is good at being a Patriarch and he truly values being good at it. I understand some of where he is coming from in his perspective, life experience, training, etc. and firmly support his right to have his beliefs and live his chosen lifestyle.
That said, I think his statement would be more accurate to say, "I do not believe anything I value has ever been achieved or maintained by consensus." I personally have been a part of multiple projects and creations that were both achieved and maintained by consensus. A short list:
1. The three plays (series of monologues) about gender that were co-created by a partner and myself with significant content co-creation from the cast. My creative partner and I were absolutely working on consensus with each other AND able to incorporate input from the cast.
2. My Dark Moon Circle, which has been meeting for going on three years now. We co-create our rituals based on consensus, and furthermore, we have effectively and informally divvied up various roles based on talent and availability, since some of us have more demanding professional and family lives than others.
3. My community household, which has been bumping along for almost four years now. I cannot pretend it has been smooth going, but that has been because we HAVE been working on consensus and we typically have very opinionated and independently-minded individuals in the community. It takes a good bit of maintenance, but it has been worthwhile and valuable to me and others.
My friend, however, does not tend to choose these kinds of projects because he does not share in these values. He values hierarchy and being the one in charge (or at least having the most competent person) at the top of the hierarchy, and so his belief system necessarily negates the value of creating by consensus.
I believe he has full rights to believe that hierarchy is better than consensus (especially since hierarchy necessarily implies better-than judgments), but that does not mean that consensus never gets anything done. It just doesn't get anything done that he personally values, thinks is of value, or chooses to participate in. Just because he chooses to opt out of consensus processes does not mean that they are ineffective for everyone and for all projects.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Gloria Steinem Was Right When She Said to Invite Young Folk In
I have a new housemate who is 8 years younger than I am, and I am really enjoying the experience. When I first moved in with roommates into a cooperative and/or community living situation, I was the young one, the one they had to reassure themselves of my maturity and put-together-ness. Our new housemate is a little younger than I was then, and it is fascinating to me to find that I have added a few notches on the life experience bed post.
One of the things I heard Gloria Steinem say recently was that older folk should invite more younger folk into their lives, it will keep us all young and help the young folk with getting started resources and some anecdotal experience (all my words, not hers, she used different language for what I interpret to be the same idea). Since I have always been one of the "younger folk," I have not had a chance to turn around and see the other side of the experience.
Talking with my new roommate has really helped put a lot of things into perspective. Hearing what she is thinking, talking about some of the gender and authoritarian dynamics she is contending with, discussing paganism and what I think the basics are and what is really important versus the formulas out there, etc. has really helped show me how much I have matured and grown up. I find myself saying things like, "I understand exactly what you mean, when I was about your age, I went through this, and it helped me learn this," and in response she nods her head enthusiastically, finding my experience to be informative to her situation. In the process, I am informed about the fact that my experiences, as unique as I thought they were at the time, are actually not special snowflakes and can be useful, interesting, and entertaining.
I have also noticed how we both move through time differently. She says, I want to learn about this, and then goes out the next day to talk with someone I suggested as a resource. I would have taken a week or two. She speaks of important events in her life history in terms of months ago, like last June or last fall, instead of living in terms of this year, last year, or four years ago, like I do. I see the benefits of both. Personally, I am very glad to be on a year-based cycle, because there is a wholeness to the cycle of the year that really works for my psyche. At the same time, I appreciate her quickness and feel inspired to move more quickly on some of my own processes.
All told, I am very excited about this whole experience and the benefits of our new friendship. Gloria Steinem was right. Again.
One of the things I heard Gloria Steinem say recently was that older folk should invite more younger folk into their lives, it will keep us all young and help the young folk with getting started resources and some anecdotal experience (all my words, not hers, she used different language for what I interpret to be the same idea). Since I have always been one of the "younger folk," I have not had a chance to turn around and see the other side of the experience.
Talking with my new roommate has really helped put a lot of things into perspective. Hearing what she is thinking, talking about some of the gender and authoritarian dynamics she is contending with, discussing paganism and what I think the basics are and what is really important versus the formulas out there, etc. has really helped show me how much I have matured and grown up. I find myself saying things like, "I understand exactly what you mean, when I was about your age, I went through this, and it helped me learn this," and in response she nods her head enthusiastically, finding my experience to be informative to her situation. In the process, I am informed about the fact that my experiences, as unique as I thought they were at the time, are actually not special snowflakes and can be useful, interesting, and entertaining.
I have also noticed how we both move through time differently. She says, I want to learn about this, and then goes out the next day to talk with someone I suggested as a resource. I would have taken a week or two. She speaks of important events in her life history in terms of months ago, like last June or last fall, instead of living in terms of this year, last year, or four years ago, like I do. I see the benefits of both. Personally, I am very glad to be on a year-based cycle, because there is a wholeness to the cycle of the year that really works for my psyche. At the same time, I appreciate her quickness and feel inspired to move more quickly on some of my own processes.
All told, I am very excited about this whole experience and the benefits of our new friendship. Gloria Steinem was right. Again.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Living in Community: Pros and Cons
For the last five years or so, I have lived with other adults in a cooperative/intentional/community household. (We have never agreed on the language or our exact definition.) I got started when I was in a time of intense life transformation and met a friend who shared many of my ideals. We instantly clicked, found a place, and set up house. We added another housemate, that house got sold out from under us, and another friend in the community bought a house and moved in with all of us as a "package deal." Since then, the roster of housemates has changed and the number of people in the house has grown. We started with four, and we are now up to 6 residents, ages 15-62. Last night, 8 people slept under this roof.
I call what we do "living in community" or being a part of a "community household," so that is the language I will use here, though again, we never collectively agreed on language or definition. Living in community has never been easy. Just sharing one kitchen and two bathrooms can get messy because we rub elbows so often. There are plenty of opportunities to have misunderstandings and miscommunications because someone didn't clean an iron skillet a certain way or left a personal item out in a public space for too long. Our conflicts have been almost exclusively about the mundane, petty details of sharing space, but they represent larger issues like respect, personal boundaries, emotional safety, artistic expression, social justice, gender/age/race/differently-abled equality, and more.
Just because it has not been easy does not mean that it has not been worth doing. I believe firmly in sharing resources and systems of support. Living more densely in the housing already available, sharing the costs of energy and communications utilities, sharing the chores, conserving, recycling, composting, and supporting each other interpersonally has been immensely rewarding. It is worth the struggle to me because I believe so strongly in living gently on the earth, experimenting with solutions that build resilience and sustainability in my world, in being strongly connected with chosen family, and being able to keep my overhead expenses low so that I can work on projects I care about without having to stress as much about the cash flow.
I have learned a lot from living in community. I have learned that regular, unstructured communication time (i.e. hanging out in the kitchen and yammering) resolves a lot of tensions without having to enumerate and process them one by one. I have learned to always check in before drawing conclusions because what to me looks like blatant and gross negligence or provocation is often really a harmless and logical step (that has nothing to do with me) to someone else. I have learned to be more patient (never my strongest virtue), more generous with my time, resources, and food, less territorial, and more publicly expressive and artistic.
We also went through a Non-Violent Communication workshop as a household, and that has been an invaluable resource to me personally, regardless of how well we as a household have managed to employ it or teach it to new housemates.
I bring all of this up because the household is changing. That original friend that I started with is leaving, and there is more room and less art on the walls because of it. The housemate who is also the landlord has decided that he no longer wants to live as equals, but would prefer to be a "benevolent dictator" (his words, not mine). The philosophical mindset of the household is now different due to the changing cast, and we will soon be looking for another new housemate on top of that. Plus, my partner and I will be moving in 6 months or so because there is literally no space for raising children in this household.
The ideals and values that made this living situation worth the effort for me are no longer givens in this household. Many of my personal deal-breakers have been triggered. And yet, this extra space and time of transition is working to give me more perspective on what it is we were trying and what I was seeking and working towards. After working on it for so many years, I now have the chance to turn around and also see what it is not, and that is good.
I will continue to ponder this one.
I call what we do "living in community" or being a part of a "community household," so that is the language I will use here, though again, we never collectively agreed on language or definition. Living in community has never been easy. Just sharing one kitchen and two bathrooms can get messy because we rub elbows so often. There are plenty of opportunities to have misunderstandings and miscommunications because someone didn't clean an iron skillet a certain way or left a personal item out in a public space for too long. Our conflicts have been almost exclusively about the mundane, petty details of sharing space, but they represent larger issues like respect, personal boundaries, emotional safety, artistic expression, social justice, gender/age/race/differently-abled equality, and more.
Just because it has not been easy does not mean that it has not been worth doing. I believe firmly in sharing resources and systems of support. Living more densely in the housing already available, sharing the costs of energy and communications utilities, sharing the chores, conserving, recycling, composting, and supporting each other interpersonally has been immensely rewarding. It is worth the struggle to me because I believe so strongly in living gently on the earth, experimenting with solutions that build resilience and sustainability in my world, in being strongly connected with chosen family, and being able to keep my overhead expenses low so that I can work on projects I care about without having to stress as much about the cash flow.
I have learned a lot from living in community. I have learned that regular, unstructured communication time (i.e. hanging out in the kitchen and yammering) resolves a lot of tensions without having to enumerate and process them one by one. I have learned to always check in before drawing conclusions because what to me looks like blatant and gross negligence or provocation is often really a harmless and logical step (that has nothing to do with me) to someone else. I have learned to be more patient (never my strongest virtue), more generous with my time, resources, and food, less territorial, and more publicly expressive and artistic.
We also went through a Non-Violent Communication workshop as a household, and that has been an invaluable resource to me personally, regardless of how well we as a household have managed to employ it or teach it to new housemates.
I bring all of this up because the household is changing. That original friend that I started with is leaving, and there is more room and less art on the walls because of it. The housemate who is also the landlord has decided that he no longer wants to live as equals, but would prefer to be a "benevolent dictator" (his words, not mine). The philosophical mindset of the household is now different due to the changing cast, and we will soon be looking for another new housemate on top of that. Plus, my partner and I will be moving in 6 months or so because there is literally no space for raising children in this household.
The ideals and values that made this living situation worth the effort for me are no longer givens in this household. Many of my personal deal-breakers have been triggered. And yet, this extra space and time of transition is working to give me more perspective on what it is we were trying and what I was seeking and working towards. After working on it for so many years, I now have the chance to turn around and also see what it is not, and that is good.
I will continue to ponder this one.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
New focus
I have deleted my previous posts (which no one ever read anyway) and am repurposing this blog to something hopefully a bit more sustainable. This will now be an account of what I am working on and how it is moving along, any issues I have stumbled into, thoughts and reflections on it, etc.
I am a busy, busy person with several projects set to hit as of the new year. The agenda as it stands now, just before we move into 2010:
NEW PROJECTS:
I am a busy, busy person with several projects set to hit as of the new year. The agenda as it stands now, just before we move into 2010:
NEW PROJECTS:
- build consensus for a time bank in the local pagan community
- initiate first discussions about the potential uses and benefits of incorporating a pagan church in the community. I think a Grove Temple to serve as an umbrella for the local Circles and Solitaries would be good, but we shall see how the discussions go.
- I have volunteered for the Steering Committee of the local Transition group, which should be interesting. It is not 100% core to my values, but is close enough to be worth pursuing and see how it works out. I am concerned that the Transition movement is too focused on evangelizing people to the cult of the Peak Oil Apocalypse when really the solutions that come out of the Transition process are all win-wins that should be easy to sell, but it may just be a generational bias on my part.
- Help plan our pagan wedding this May
- Work on the whole baby-making process (I want a sign for the bedroom door: Making Babies, Do Not Disturb).
- Move to and set up a new community household, this one being more baby focused/centered and probably a good bit more cooperative, especially regarding finances.
- Continue to build my Energy Healing Practice
- Continue in my Dark Moon Circle
- Continue to hold celebrations of the Full Moons
- Continue to make space for my physical healing
- Revive Red Tent events/Pleasure work
- Co-teach the updated Cakes for the Queen of Heaven Curriculum
- Co-Host and plan Open Space Event/Crossroads Gathering
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