Gloria Steinem Was Right When She Said to Invite Young Folk In

I have a new housemate who is 8 years younger than I am, and I am really enjoying the experience. When I first moved in with roommates into a cooperative and/or community living situation, I was the young one, the one they had to reassure themselves of my maturity and put-together-ness. Our new housemate is a little younger than I was then, and it is fascinating to me to find that I have added a few notches on the life experience bed post. 

One of the things I heard Gloria Steinem say recently was that older folk should invite more younger folk into their lives, it will keep us all young and help the young folk with getting started resources and some anecdotal experience (all my words, not hers, she used different language for what I interpret to be the same idea). Since I have always been one of the "younger folk," I have not had a chance to turn around and see the other side of the experience. 


Talking with my new roommate has really helped put a lot of things into perspective. Hearing what she is thinking, talking about some of the gender and authoritarian dynamics she is contending with, discussing paganism and what I think the basics are and what is really important versus the formulas out there, etc. has really helped show me how much I have matured and grown up. I find myself saying things like, "I understand exactly what you mean, when I was about your age, I went through this, and it helped me learn this," and in response she nods her head enthusiastically, finding my experience to be informative to her situation. In the process, I am informed about the fact that my experiences, as unique as I thought they were at the time, are actually not special snowflakes and can be useful, interesting, and entertaining.


I have also noticed how we both move through time differently. She says, I want to learn about this, and then goes out the next day to talk with someone I suggested as a resource. I would have taken a week or two. She speaks of important events in her life history in terms of months ago, like last June or last fall, instead of living in terms of this year, last year, or four years ago, like I do. I see the benefits of both. Personally, I am very glad to be on a year-based cycle, because there is a wholeness to the cycle of the year that really works for my psyche. At the same time, I appreciate her quickness and feel inspired to move more quickly on some of my own processes. 


All told, I am very excited about this whole experience and the benefits of our new friendship. Gloria Steinem was right. Again.

Reproduction is Psychologically Messy

Gloria Steinem also said, "every child has the right to be born loved and wanted." This and the Dr. Tiller quote of "Trust Women." have become the cornerstones of my opinions of reproductive rights. 

I also found this article from Sociological Images about young adult attitudes about unplanned pregnancies. I find it interesting that of the young adults (ages 18-29) who say it is very or somewhat important to avoid pregnancy right now, an overall third of them would be pleased (very or a little pleased) to find out they were pregnant. Also, the men are much more likely to be pleased than the women, and that holds true in every categorical breakdown included in the graphs. The analysis in the SI article really just points out how the data contradicts some of the stereotypical assumptions our society makes based on gender and race and then asks for ideas about why.

This all goes back to my growing suspicion that we as a society feel terribly conflicted about reproduction, above and beyond the "abortion debate." Gloria Steinem also pointed out how our society very much withholds support for parenthood and creates a hostile environment for it. So on the one hand, we would love to believe the fiction that all babies are blessings, loved and wanted, and on the other hand, we hate having to face the fact that there is no logical rational reason to have a child because in our society they are a financial dead weight for at least 2 decades and have far reaching consequences on our social lives, living arrangements, health, and every other aspect of our lives. 


So, sure, all babies are good little blessings, IF they have the right timing: right parents, right financial stability, right circumstances for love and welcome, etc. Not that any of us potential parents are ever going to get those circumstances exactly right, but given the proper impetus (hormonal urge to procreate, emotional/spiritual desire for kids, terror and excitement over an unplanned pregnancy, falling in love with your biological child that is in your arms), if we have the right tools to work with, we can figure a lot of it out. 


It is just hard to admit, I think, that there is that much play in what is right and wrong in these reproductive situations. It would be easier on our psyches if there were a clear cut rubric of Yes, have baby, No, do not have baby, or even better, Yes, you may be fertile, No, you will be temporarily infertile until the timing is good. But that's not the way our evolution-programmed reproductive systems work, and I think the best way to deal with that is to Trust Women to best decide if their pregnancy will produce a child that is Loved and Wanted, as is that child's right.

A Fulcrum for Deconstructing Gender

Gloria Steinem was in town recently and I had a chance to go down to campus to see her. I best liked the Q & A at the end. One thing she said is that we (our society) now knows "women can be equal in the world outside the home. We still don't know if men can be equal inside the home." She went on to say, "For men to raise children as women do is not a punishment, it's a gift."

This concisely expresses something that I have felt but haven't been able to put into words. I have followed several different discussions about the next step for men in the transition to gender equality. I have heard a young woman, presumably out of a third wave feminist context, ask older women, presumably from a more second wave feminist background, ask how women should be helping men deal with the ongoing shifts in gender dynamics. And I heard the older women reply, "Nothing," and explain that the men have the privilege, let them use it to figure it out. I have been a part of a Men's Monologues that was inspired by gender equality and the Vagina Monologues, only to see a lot of unexamined privilege undermine what was otherwise a rather profound and funny show. I have read some of the "Men's Movement" books from the 1990s, and I have read a few accounts and critiques of a feminist men's conference that was held last year.

The thought I have is that it is time to unpack the idea of masculinity and what it means to be a man. The feminist movement has done this with femininity and what it means to be a woman, greatly expanding the "definition" to include the spheres of in and out of the home and removing the boxes of assumptions around marital and motherhood status. This has not yet really been done at an effective societal level around masculinity, especially concerning what Gloria Steinem called the "cult of masculinity," which basically encompasses the harmful masculine stereotypes men take on to "prove" their manhood.  

And yet, unpacking something that big takes both a lot of time and dedicated motivation from the relevant population (who, notably, are privileged and therefore less likely to decide the pain of change is less than the pain of staying the same). However, Gloria Steinem's frame of the spheres in and out of the home makes for an excellent applied situation that gives a great starting point. 

One of the most effective ways women unpacked the social construction of "feminine" was by fighting their way into the workforce and up the corporate ladder. The philosophical project of unpacking their gender roles was not the main motivation, of course; far more mundane and practical matters drove the changes. However, applying this to the masculine means that men fighting their way back home and into the diaper bag could and would help effectively unpack the social construction of "masculine." 

I think Gloria is right: working towards reframing "men taking care of children as women do" as a gift instead of a punishment is a fulcrum that could help tip our social philosophies into a wider deconstruction of gender altogether.