Negotiating Government Services

So this week included negotiating the government services for pregnancy assist. First, a trip to the Health Dept to get certified pregnant, and then a couple days later a trip the the Dept of Human Services to apply for TennCare/Medicaid. The two trips were very different.

The Health Dept is a local branch in the neighborhood. We didn't make an appointment, but just showed up. The whole encounter was highly stressful. The building was ugly and cold. There was no one to greet us, only a few signs in not obvious places directing us to a sign in sheet. There were two different waiting areas, and it was not clear which one was best. We ended up waiting and watching to see what was going on, and then choosing the smaller room with the chairs around the edge, since that seemed to be where people on the list we signed were being called from. Sitting in the chairs, it became obvious that there was one woman dealing with everyone on the list. Her cubicle was open to the waiting area, so there was no feeling of privacy. Everyone had to talk softly so that the entire waiting room didn't know their business. The woman was obviously stressed out and her back hurt, but she kept having to get up and walk to other parts of the building.

After 45 minutes, we were finally called up. Five minutes later, we've been initially entered into the system, stated our need for a proof of pregnancy, and then told to go sit in the other waiting room. That one woman that we waited so long to see just seems to greet and sort people. I felt relieved that we had signed the right paper and ended up in the right place after all. I had spent the whole 45 minutes feeling nervous that when we got called up, we would be told we did something wrong and have to go wait all over again somewhere else.

Another 15 minutes later, a nurse came and got us out of the second waiting room, just as cold, the chairs just as uncomfortable, and this one more cramped and with a high-pitched children's show on the tv. We are taken down a hallway, talked with, weighed, given a cup to pee in, iron is checked, etc. She gave us a bottle of prenatal vitamins and a package of name brand baby advertisements along with the slip of paper that certifies the pregnancy. On the way out, she told us to stop and make a WIC appointment, which took another 10 minutes since no one behind the windows she directed us to seemed to actually know how to do it. I think it took 4 different people to make the appointment for us.

In the end, it took an hour and half to pee in a cup and get officially declared pregnant, and the whole experience was nerve-wracking and left me stressed for the rest of the day.

In contrast, DHS is a cattle call. We had filled out our application online, and then been mailed an instruction sheet telling us to come within 20 days to their central office between 6:30 am and 9:00 am. Ungodly hours! I chose to stay up all night in order to make it in time, because waking up with minimal sleep is a very bad thing for me. We pulled in at 6:40. There were two lines in front of the doors, each about 50 people long. A security guard was briefing everyone about what would happen. I had to go back and put my apple and water bottle back in the car since it wasn't allowed. The doors opened at 6:45, people who had applied online went in first, the guard took my official paper with my name on it, and told us where to all sit. We were then briefed on what to expect: we can come and go outside, they will start calling names at 7:30, when they call our name we will get our appointment time, any questions?

I felt much more relaxed about the whole thing. There was a person who could answer questions. I knew when we might get called. I knew I was in the right place, and was given information about timetables and what to expect and where to go. We were called up a little after 8:00 and given an appointment time of 8:30. At 8:10 we were called to the appointment early and followed a completely disinterested man into a huge room of cubicles. I could not see the far walls, it was so huge, full of head-high cubicle dividers for as far as the eye could see. His cubicle was not too far into the labyrinth, and without any greeting or smile we were asked for specific documents while he tapped things into his computer.

After a few minutes he said we were not eligible for food stamps at this time. I told him we already knew that, that the online eligibility screening said it would be TennCare only. He said there were no TennCare slots open. Not even though we're pregnant? Oh, you're pregnant? Do you have proof of pregnancy? Yes, here. Five minutes later, that's been entered in, we're approved, it will be a letter in a week and the card in three weeks.

The whole thing took 2 hours, but it was so much easier. The seats were cushioned, the room was not too cold, there were no annoying tv shows, and there was a loudspeaker so we could hear who was being called. Also, I felt much less nervous about being in the wrong place, doing the wrong thing, or being judged for being there. The man who helped us couldn't have cared less about us. He was completely deadpan. And while that lack of compassion might be disturbing, it was also reassuring, because he wasn't going to say anything personal. He turned us down for food stamps in the same deadpan way that he approved us for TennCare. And when we left, we got to the car just before it started raining and it only took another 2 hours for the residual stress to leave my body afterward.

Slapped Down by the Universe

Embarrassed over my "Durrrr" answer to my five-year plan for money making, I sat down this week and spent several hours processing everything I needed to process in order to get over the hurdle and actually commit and get started to growing my energy healing practice. I spent several nights working on a website (which is almost ready to go live), I wrote campy ads for coffee shop bulletin boards, I developed a marketing plan (for better or worse).

I have spent 6 months kind of dithering instead of seizing my opportunity here, but I finally decided to get going and really commit. And then, after the first week of my being willing to go forth and make it happen, I find out that my opportunity is going away (probably). Due to a ridiculous situation and injustice being done to my generous friend the massage therapist, I am guessing there is about an 80% chance of no longer being able to use the office that I have been using for one week a month for the last several months. The reasons why the situation is changing has nothing to do with me, but it definitely impacts me.

My first reaction was to feel slapped down by the Universe. It has now been over 2 years since I left my "real job" to pursue other projects, and I have pursued a lot of them. I have directed/produced three plays, written several novels, done some community organizing and activism, experimented with various crafts with the potential for profitable sales, worked on community building, sent out feelers about various pagan ambitions and how might they be accomplished, and embroiled myself in a few possible entrepreneurial endeavors. And all this in addition to spending most of 2009 in bed while my spine realigned itself.

And yet, despite a constant churning and ambitious drive, I feel like the Universe has not reflected back the YES I have been looking for. I have tried so many things, put energy in so many different directions, looking for the one that is Right, knowing that when things are Right, I take one step and God'dess takes the next two for me, but it has not happened. Everything has been harder than I would have thought.

In the end, I called Dad. My father is a very practical, logical man who leads a faith based life. When we were building the nonprofit together, we really explored the ins and outs of living on faith together, and though our faiths are different, the process is the same. He was able to listen as I laid out my frustration, and then talk me through the various factors until I got to some clarity.

I have a plan now. But I will say, it has been a rocky last few days. I thank God'dess for my support network and all the people who love me.

Endless Hallways of Open Doors

Well, turning off my brain seems to have helped my panic levels about bread winning and my obsessiveness about becoming 5 year stable. With a little distance from the emotional turbulence, I have been able to stop and talk with God'dess about the whole thing. I asked for clarity about what comes next, and was shown an image of all the possibilities that are standing wide open right now, like so many open doors. 

It is true, I have a lot of different leads for how to accomplish different goals in front of me, like strings that run into the future, and if I follow the right bit of yarn at the right time, it will take me to what I am manifesting. The problem is knowing how to play them in harmony, like a concerto, instead of yanking at them all at the wrong time, like a cat walking on a piano. 

I asked God'dess again what to do, and was shown 3 particular leads: one to a possibility of land, one to a possibility of a co-creator of community, and one interpersonal connection that shows promise. Following up on those leads will be on my priority list for this week. In the meantime, I will brainstorm on how to expand the business I am already trying to grow (my energy healing practice), instead of scrapping it for a new and more involved dream. 
  

Asking for Help with the Wedding

My partner and I have had the goal of getting our wedding invitations out as of mid-March, to give guests 6 weeks notice, and that is after we sent out a "Save the Date" at the beginning of the year. That means that we should be finalizing all our plans, figuring out what we are going to ask for in the way of presents, who to invite, how safe it is to invite which members of the family to the pagan ceremony, how to broach the pagan ritual part, etc. 

And we realized this week that we have no clue what we are doing. Neither of us has ever planned a wedding before. There is a core of a few things that we definitely want, but there are many other things that have to happen that we really don't have an opinion on. We are feeling intimidated and therefore stuck on the whole process. Not good. 

We decided a couple of days ago that it was therefore time to ask for help. We are both quite independent, and I especially am bad about saying, "Oh, no, I know what I'm doing, this will be easy," and then getting a little ways further down the road of my project, looking around, realizing I have no idea what I am doing, but feeling too proud to go back and say, "Sorry, I was wrong, I really do need help."

Well, we need help. I have now made the emergency phone calls to both sets of parents, my sister, and the friends who will be Priestessing. They have all agreed to try to come on Sunday for an afternoon Wedding Planning Party, and my sister is even going to knock up a bit of food for us to nosh on. I had thought initially that we should make food, but then Dad told me I should ask my sister the chef, and she was rather enthusiastic about saying yes. 

I feel much relieved. Hopefully it will all be easy and quick. Here's hoping.