Apologies that Wednesday's post didn't go up on Wednesday. I had it written and scheduled and everything, but apparently when I edited Monday's post, it caused Blogger to somehow randomly decide that Wednesday's post was just a draft and not actually for publishing as scheduled.
Blogger tech folks, that sucks. If I schedule something, please just leave it as is unless I change it. (Not that you are reading this, but it feels better if I just say it.)
Friday, April 16, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
The Curiosity Seekers/Well-Wishers Begin to Gather
We are now less than 3 weeks away from the wedding, and the curiosity seekers and well wishers are starting to gather. My partner and I were recently asked, "Are you excited?" and without any context, we looked at each other in confusion. "Excited about what?" "The wedding." "Oh, yeah, um, sure...." People want to know details, but there really aren't that many involved, so it seems like they still walk away unsatisfied.
I have noticed in particular that my partner's mother seems to feel that she is out of the loop. She missed our wedding planning party because she was out of town, and now seems to think that she is missing something. She listened avidly as I described a few things (venue, ritual basics, clergy) to someone else at lunch. I tried to make a special effort to get her filled in later that night, but she got distracted.
Really, the details are as follows: This is a no-budget wedding. We are both wearing silk wrap skirts with vegetation crowns. There will be no rings. We are getting married at a picnic shelter at the park, next to the river. Reception is pot-luck, we are asking for money for gifts and there will be a basket for such cards at the reception, my dark moon circle is clergy for the ritual. The ritual will be held in circle so that the sacred space is created by the surrounding presence of our friends and family. Fundie family members have been warned to expect paganness and politely invited to just attend the reception.
We have also delegated as much as we can. There are people (mostly family) who are in charge of: paper goods, colorful and cheap decor, flowers and crowns to be made of mostly wild/found plants, official pictures, informal pictures, ipod play list for music, and my sister the chef is making the wedding cake.
That's really about it. I want one more item for my outfit, the ritual planning is this week, and I think that's about it. Mostly, I don't think about the wedding so much as how much we are going to enjoy our lives together. And that brings a huge smile to my spirit.
I have noticed in particular that my partner's mother seems to feel that she is out of the loop. She missed our wedding planning party because she was out of town, and now seems to think that she is missing something. She listened avidly as I described a few things (venue, ritual basics, clergy) to someone else at lunch. I tried to make a special effort to get her filled in later that night, but she got distracted.
Really, the details are as follows: This is a no-budget wedding. We are both wearing silk wrap skirts with vegetation crowns. There will be no rings. We are getting married at a picnic shelter at the park, next to the river. Reception is pot-luck, we are asking for money for gifts and there will be a basket for such cards at the reception, my dark moon circle is clergy for the ritual. The ritual will be held in circle so that the sacred space is created by the surrounding presence of our friends and family. Fundie family members have been warned to expect paganness and politely invited to just attend the reception.
We have also delegated as much as we can. There are people (mostly family) who are in charge of: paper goods, colorful and cheap decor, flowers and crowns to be made of mostly wild/found plants, official pictures, informal pictures, ipod play list for music, and my sister the chef is making the wedding cake.
That's really about it. I want one more item for my outfit, the ritual planning is this week, and I think that's about it. Mostly, I don't think about the wedding so much as how much we are going to enjoy our lives together. And that brings a huge smile to my spirit.
Monday, April 12, 2010
On the Collective
A friend's recent blog post (linked by permission, be advised the blog deals with BDSM and is NSFW), included the belief statement, "I do not believe that anything has ever been achieved or maintained by consensus." I disagree.
First of all, I want to say that I respect his opinion and belief on this. He absolutely lives his beliefs, and his personal responsibility is the very relevant result of not believing in the value of consensus. He is the head of his House, and as far as I can tell, he is good at being a Patriarch and he truly values being good at it. I understand some of where he is coming from in his perspective, life experience, training, etc. and firmly support his right to have his beliefs and live his chosen lifestyle.
That said, I think his statement would be more accurate to say, "I do not believe anything I value has ever been achieved or maintained by consensus." I personally have been a part of multiple projects and creations that were both achieved and maintained by consensus. A short list:
1. The three plays (series of monologues) about gender that were co-created by a partner and myself with significant content co-creation from the cast. My creative partner and I were absolutely working on consensus with each other AND able to incorporate input from the cast.
2. My Dark Moon Circle, which has been meeting for going on three years now. We co-create our rituals based on consensus, and furthermore, we have effectively and informally divvied up various roles based on talent and availability, since some of us have more demanding professional and family lives than others.
3. My community household, which has been bumping along for almost four years now. I cannot pretend it has been smooth going, but that has been because we HAVE been working on consensus and we typically have very opinionated and independently-minded individuals in the community. It takes a good bit of maintenance, but it has been worthwhile and valuable to me and others.
My friend, however, does not tend to choose these kinds of projects because he does not share in these values. He values hierarchy and being the one in charge (or at least having the most competent person) at the top of the hierarchy, and so his belief system necessarily negates the value of creating by consensus.
I believe he has full rights to believe that hierarchy is better than consensus (especially since hierarchy necessarily implies better-than judgments), but that does not mean that consensus never gets anything done. It just doesn't get anything done that he personally values, thinks is of value, or chooses to participate in. Just because he chooses to opt out of consensus processes does not mean that they are ineffective for everyone and for all projects.
First of all, I want to say that I respect his opinion and belief on this. He absolutely lives his beliefs, and his personal responsibility is the very relevant result of not believing in the value of consensus. He is the head of his House, and as far as I can tell, he is good at being a Patriarch and he truly values being good at it. I understand some of where he is coming from in his perspective, life experience, training, etc. and firmly support his right to have his beliefs and live his chosen lifestyle.
That said, I think his statement would be more accurate to say, "I do not believe anything I value has ever been achieved or maintained by consensus." I personally have been a part of multiple projects and creations that were both achieved and maintained by consensus. A short list:
1. The three plays (series of monologues) about gender that were co-created by a partner and myself with significant content co-creation from the cast. My creative partner and I were absolutely working on consensus with each other AND able to incorporate input from the cast.
2. My Dark Moon Circle, which has been meeting for going on three years now. We co-create our rituals based on consensus, and furthermore, we have effectively and informally divvied up various roles based on talent and availability, since some of us have more demanding professional and family lives than others.
3. My community household, which has been bumping along for almost four years now. I cannot pretend it has been smooth going, but that has been because we HAVE been working on consensus and we typically have very opinionated and independently-minded individuals in the community. It takes a good bit of maintenance, but it has been worthwhile and valuable to me and others.
My friend, however, does not tend to choose these kinds of projects because he does not share in these values. He values hierarchy and being the one in charge (or at least having the most competent person) at the top of the hierarchy, and so his belief system necessarily negates the value of creating by consensus.
I believe he has full rights to believe that hierarchy is better than consensus (especially since hierarchy necessarily implies better-than judgments), but that does not mean that consensus never gets anything done. It just doesn't get anything done that he personally values, thinks is of value, or chooses to participate in. Just because he chooses to opt out of consensus processes does not mean that they are ineffective for everyone and for all projects.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Which Set of Lips Stay Closed Now?
A friend recently sent me a link to this article about Purity, or how dieting is the new virginity. It makes the point that women's bodies used to be more controlled via sexuality. Women were valuable based on their virginity and the sex they did not have. Now, women's bodies are more valued on their thinness, or on the food they did not eat.
I think there are some interesting correlations here. Firstly, both sex and eating can be highly pleasurable activities, and I believe that we as a culture are quite afraid of pleasure, especially the pleasure of women. Women feeling pleasure makes them into people instead of objects or "lesser beings" and that can be dangerous to the "men are people, women are commodities" story of much of our patriarchal culture.
I also am sorry that the author of the article, Zaftigzeitgeist missed the obvious play on words. Zey say, "It is as if we have gone from legs closed to lips closed." I would say that the more obvious phrasing would be more like, "It is as if we have just changed which set of lips to keep closed." (Groan, I know. My partner definitely groaned at that one. But I think it's good.) Looking at it from a lips point of view raises the appetites correlation, which delves a little deeper.
Things go through women's lips into their bodies, and often it is because women choose to bring those things (food, fingers, penises) into themselves. The patriarchy has a fear of women's appetites and women wanting too much. Too much sex, which can "unman" a man, too much food, which can mean she is not striving to meet patriarchal beauty standards, too much attention, work, rights, votes, influence, power, equality, etc. Women wanting things, or more than their allotted amount, is dangerous to the patriarchy. Therefore what passes through women's lips and how much they are allowed to WANT to pass through their lips becomes an appetites control.
I also find the whole situation sad. Sex shame and food/fat shame do documented damage to women throughout our society. And as for the men, they don't really want skinny women or women who hate sex. Studies have shown that men in our society really do prefer women curvier than the prevailing beauty standards and willing partners. Patriarchy hurts all of us.
This all goes back to the Pleasure House ambition of mine, and speaks to the deep revolutionary nature of a sacred space for people, especially women, to explore and indulge themselves in sacred pleasure. Perhaps the motto should be something like "open wide" or "making all lips smile" or "read our lips to see if we're satisfied." Okay, all of those are terrible, but I'm sure someone will think of something actually clever and a little raunchy without being terribly offensive along those same lines.
I think there are some interesting correlations here. Firstly, both sex and eating can be highly pleasurable activities, and I believe that we as a culture are quite afraid of pleasure, especially the pleasure of women. Women feeling pleasure makes them into people instead of objects or "lesser beings" and that can be dangerous to the "men are people, women are commodities" story of much of our patriarchal culture.
I also am sorry that the author of the article, Zaftigzeitgeist missed the obvious play on words. Zey say, "It is as if we have gone from legs closed to lips closed." I would say that the more obvious phrasing would be more like, "It is as if we have just changed which set of lips to keep closed." (Groan, I know. My partner definitely groaned at that one. But I think it's good.) Looking at it from a lips point of view raises the appetites correlation, which delves a little deeper.
Things go through women's lips into their bodies, and often it is because women choose to bring those things (food, fingers, penises) into themselves. The patriarchy has a fear of women's appetites and women wanting too much. Too much sex, which can "unman" a man, too much food, which can mean she is not striving to meet patriarchal beauty standards, too much attention, work, rights, votes, influence, power, equality, etc. Women wanting things, or more than their allotted amount, is dangerous to the patriarchy. Therefore what passes through women's lips and how much they are allowed to WANT to pass through their lips becomes an appetites control.
I also find the whole situation sad. Sex shame and food/fat shame do documented damage to women throughout our society. And as for the men, they don't really want skinny women or women who hate sex. Studies have shown that men in our society really do prefer women curvier than the prevailing beauty standards and willing partners. Patriarchy hurts all of us.
This all goes back to the Pleasure House ambition of mine, and speaks to the deep revolutionary nature of a sacred space for people, especially women, to explore and indulge themselves in sacred pleasure. Perhaps the motto should be something like "open wide" or "making all lips smile" or "read our lips to see if we're satisfied." Okay, all of those are terrible, but I'm sure someone will think of something actually clever and a little raunchy without being terribly offensive along those same lines.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Delicate Possibilities and Connections
There is a woman who is a client and friend of a client and friend, who is now my own client and friend thanks to the referral of our mutual friend, and in meeting with her a few months ago, she mentioned that she knew several older women interested in establishing community on land in order to be more sustainable and to make provision for their old(er) age. I was hard pressed to not be too excited and asked her to pass along my definite interest to these women.
Many emails, two cases of food poisoning and some brain-eating life later, I got to go out to meet one of these older women, see her current property and talk life goals, sustainability, and community. Really, we spent a very enjoyable two hours agreeing with each other in a "yes, exactly, and I also think this," kind of way. She took me on a golf-cart tour of her garden and around the property, blithely reassuring me that we would be fine even as she told me of how she had wrecked that very same golf cart on this very same steep graveled hill and I hung on tightly and tried not to crush the large dog who was equally crushing my feet.
A few years ago she had a nearby property with a lot of water and specifically running water, and now she really regrets letting it go and hates where she is now. She knows she could put in some solar and a well and work on going off grid, but she misses her old place more than she is motivated to make her new place work. In thinking about properties, I told her I thought an old summer camp would really make the best community starter property, especially since it would probably already have some kind of sleeping shelters and some kind of great hall/lodge on property.
Her eyes lit up and she told me about just such a place just a few miles down the road that has all kinds of running water like she would like to live near, and if she were more recovered from the food poisoning she would run me down there, but I can find it on my own, I won't get lost, will I, and then I can just take a left onto this road and that will run me back into town. I left to the cacophony of very large wind chimes and headed down the road to the substantial gated bridge she had described. I stood there and watched a yellow butterfly flit by me, and I stared at the gravel road that went up and around a bend in front of me, beyond the gate and over the bridge.
I took pictures. I sent one to my friend who is a psychic and also very committed to building sacred community to ask if this could be it. I have now looked up who owns it, how big it is, and even scoured the satellite photos online. I feel...cautiously optimistic. This could be really good.
Many emails, two cases of food poisoning and some brain-eating life later, I got to go out to meet one of these older women, see her current property and talk life goals, sustainability, and community. Really, we spent a very enjoyable two hours agreeing with each other in a "yes, exactly, and I also think this," kind of way. She took me on a golf-cart tour of her garden and around the property, blithely reassuring me that we would be fine even as she told me of how she had wrecked that very same golf cart on this very same steep graveled hill and I hung on tightly and tried not to crush the large dog who was equally crushing my feet.
A few years ago she had a nearby property with a lot of water and specifically running water, and now she really regrets letting it go and hates where she is now. She knows she could put in some solar and a well and work on going off grid, but she misses her old place more than she is motivated to make her new place work. In thinking about properties, I told her I thought an old summer camp would really make the best community starter property, especially since it would probably already have some kind of sleeping shelters and some kind of great hall/lodge on property.
Her eyes lit up and she told me about just such a place just a few miles down the road that has all kinds of running water like she would like to live near, and if she were more recovered from the food poisoning she would run me down there, but I can find it on my own, I won't get lost, will I, and then I can just take a left onto this road and that will run me back into town. I left to the cacophony of very large wind chimes and headed down the road to the substantial gated bridge she had described. I stood there and watched a yellow butterfly flit by me, and I stared at the gravel road that went up and around a bend in front of me, beyond the gate and over the bridge.
I took pictures. I sent one to my friend who is a psychic and also very committed to building sacred community to ask if this could be it. I have now looked up who owns it, how big it is, and even scoured the satellite photos online. I feel...cautiously optimistic. This could be really good.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Gloria Steinem Was Right When She Said to Invite Young Folk In
I have a new housemate who is 8 years younger than I am, and I am really enjoying the experience. When I first moved in with roommates into a cooperative and/or community living situation, I was the young one, the one they had to reassure themselves of my maturity and put-together-ness. Our new housemate is a little younger than I was then, and it is fascinating to me to find that I have added a few notches on the life experience bed post.
One of the things I heard Gloria Steinem say recently was that older folk should invite more younger folk into their lives, it will keep us all young and help the young folk with getting started resources and some anecdotal experience (all my words, not hers, she used different language for what I interpret to be the same idea). Since I have always been one of the "younger folk," I have not had a chance to turn around and see the other side of the experience.
Talking with my new roommate has really helped put a lot of things into perspective. Hearing what she is thinking, talking about some of the gender and authoritarian dynamics she is contending with, discussing paganism and what I think the basics are and what is really important versus the formulas out there, etc. has really helped show me how much I have matured and grown up. I find myself saying things like, "I understand exactly what you mean, when I was about your age, I went through this, and it helped me learn this," and in response she nods her head enthusiastically, finding my experience to be informative to her situation. In the process, I am informed about the fact that my experiences, as unique as I thought they were at the time, are actually not special snowflakes and can be useful, interesting, and entertaining.
I have also noticed how we both move through time differently. She says, I want to learn about this, and then goes out the next day to talk with someone I suggested as a resource. I would have taken a week or two. She speaks of important events in her life history in terms of months ago, like last June or last fall, instead of living in terms of this year, last year, or four years ago, like I do. I see the benefits of both. Personally, I am very glad to be on a year-based cycle, because there is a wholeness to the cycle of the year that really works for my psyche. At the same time, I appreciate her quickness and feel inspired to move more quickly on some of my own processes.
All told, I am very excited about this whole experience and the benefits of our new friendship. Gloria Steinem was right. Again.
One of the things I heard Gloria Steinem say recently was that older folk should invite more younger folk into their lives, it will keep us all young and help the young folk with getting started resources and some anecdotal experience (all my words, not hers, she used different language for what I interpret to be the same idea). Since I have always been one of the "younger folk," I have not had a chance to turn around and see the other side of the experience.
Talking with my new roommate has really helped put a lot of things into perspective. Hearing what she is thinking, talking about some of the gender and authoritarian dynamics she is contending with, discussing paganism and what I think the basics are and what is really important versus the formulas out there, etc. has really helped show me how much I have matured and grown up. I find myself saying things like, "I understand exactly what you mean, when I was about your age, I went through this, and it helped me learn this," and in response she nods her head enthusiastically, finding my experience to be informative to her situation. In the process, I am informed about the fact that my experiences, as unique as I thought they were at the time, are actually not special snowflakes and can be useful, interesting, and entertaining.
I have also noticed how we both move through time differently. She says, I want to learn about this, and then goes out the next day to talk with someone I suggested as a resource. I would have taken a week or two. She speaks of important events in her life history in terms of months ago, like last June or last fall, instead of living in terms of this year, last year, or four years ago, like I do. I see the benefits of both. Personally, I am very glad to be on a year-based cycle, because there is a wholeness to the cycle of the year that really works for my psyche. At the same time, I appreciate her quickness and feel inspired to move more quickly on some of my own processes.
All told, I am very excited about this whole experience and the benefits of our new friendship. Gloria Steinem was right. Again.
Friday, April 2, 2010
My Dreams Are Not Special, But No Less Relevant For It
I find it interesting how so many pagans I know really want to be in the center of the social whirl. We want OUR house, our property, to be the place where everyone comes to celebrate, to feast, to gather and commune.
My theory is that we are all so earthy-ish that we nest/burrow/den up and want others to come appreciate the wonderful habitat we have created. I think also we often don't want to go jaunting off through "mundane" space to get to each other; it would be so much easier if they came here.
It is humbling to know that my dreams are not special, not unique, not iridescent butterflies effervescing on the hurricane breeze. And yet, it also speaks to a deep longing for more community, more connection, and known safe spaces to do it in. Also, it speaks of desiring ease. It can be hard for pagans to live in the 5-senses or mundane world, to pass as being of "acceptable" religion in a society dominated by Christians (especially in the South), to not speak of the things we Know, to not acknowledge the meta-stories of myth, story, ritual, intention, energy, and/or soul purpose that so greatly inform our lives.
Most pagans I know are doing okay. We are finding our way along and that is good. But I also think that being pagan and not feeling safe to be completely open about it is stressful, and that speaks to our deep need to have and provide safe and easy space to be ourselves.
My theory is that we are all so earthy-ish that we nest/burrow/den up and want others to come appreciate the wonderful habitat we have created. I think also we often don't want to go jaunting off through "mundane" space to get to each other; it would be so much easier if they came here.
It is humbling to know that my dreams are not special, not unique, not iridescent butterflies effervescing on the hurricane breeze. And yet, it also speaks to a deep longing for more community, more connection, and known safe spaces to do it in. Also, it speaks of desiring ease. It can be hard for pagans to live in the 5-senses or mundane world, to pass as being of "acceptable" religion in a society dominated by Christians (especially in the South), to not speak of the things we Know, to not acknowledge the meta-stories of myth, story, ritual, intention, energy, and/or soul purpose that so greatly inform our lives.
Most pagans I know are doing okay. We are finding our way along and that is good. But I also think that being pagan and not feeling safe to be completely open about it is stressful, and that speaks to our deep need to have and provide safe and easy space to be ourselves.
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